The first step is to penetrate the clouds of deceit and distortion and learn the truth about the world,
then to organize and act to change it. That's never been impossible and never been easy. ~Noam Chomsky

Friday, November 18, 2011

wishing for another child

i feel like i need to blog about this in the online equivalent of whispering.

it's just this whisper floating through my days. a wish for another child. the feeling that someone is missing at dinner. the urgency that ariam should not be alone in this world, dealing with her weirdo parents as we grow old.

it is a whisper that grows louder when we want to take a family photo and i feel unbalanced, like there should be two white adults and two brown-skinned children. it is that nostalgic whisper as i put away bottles and sippies, store the high chair, consider preschools, buy our first pack of little girl panties instead of diapers.

but I don't know. i just don't know. my wishing for another child is all about me (or you could say about us/ariam.) it is not at all clear to me what path we could take that would merge our wishes with the needs of a child.

i think. think. that ethiopia is not the direction for us. while we were not at all happy go lucky adoptive parents with blinders on entering ariam's adoption, we are even less so now that we have searched for her family and story.

i thought, hoped, that moving towards domestic african american infant adoption would reduce some of our concerns surrounding ethical infant adoption. learning that is not necessarily true. sometimes i think it would be tremendously easier to be a less intentional person. someone who doesn't give a s--t. really. that must be such an easy way to live.

adoption is not simple. it is not a slogan on a t-shirt. it involves human lives. i want no part in screwing that up. so i don't know. i just don't know.

adopt again, raise an only child, foster when ariam is much older....

but no fertility treatment. two years ago next month we found out that we have absolutely no hope of reproducing without major medical intervention. we did nothing with that news. and six months later completed the adoption we had begun the previous spring. i always thought we'd revisit the conversation but i don't think we will. ariam is all i could have ever asked for in a daughter. i want her to have a sibling she can relate to. so fertility treatment is not in our cards. and there's no venting or ranting needed. we are happy, at peace and completely at ease with that decision. i imagine that our genes could not possible produce a child who could compare in any way to ariam.

and because no post could be complete without her sweetness....i present to you....the perfect peacock!



  1. Just a lurker. :) But I like your blog because we also have one child and have been waiting, waiting, waiting to bring our 2nd home from ET. I second all that you said above - we just feel an unbalance. If I were to turn back the clock, I would consider other African countries, too. Best to you. I know it is not an easy decision and process.

  2. I totally relate to the "no more infertility treatments" - our two little ones are so 'perfect' that no child of our genetical makeup could compare. It's funny to feel that way now after SO MANY years of 'trying.' Trusting the Lord to lead all of us as we build our families, R

  3. I can relate to this. The feeling that someone is missing. The unfortunate reality that even when trying to do a "good thing" we can actually be causing more harm to our children's birth countries. The non existent desire of biological children.

    And, some days, this overwhelming belief that there is simply no way I can give these kids what they need while also raising another one. Mixed with an overwhelming sadness that there might be a child going without a family because I'm scared.

    It's a tough place to sit.

  4. I often think that the process of domestic infant adoption has as many ethical issues as IA. I can so understand this one.

    John and I might foster (not necessarily to adopt, but open to it) but only for very young kids (and medically fragile, as we are both "medical.") It's hard to know what is right- which way forward is the right way for everyone involved.

  5. yes, yes. I am there too. Love and hugs.

  6. Just have to put in a plug for domestic adoption. I work for a small, highly ethical program that honors women and their choices first over adoptive family desires. Although often tough for PAP's to hear, we don't find babies for families, we find homes for children who need them! Not all agencies/programs are created equal! And we're always in need of good families!

  7. It sounds like you are putting a tremendous amount of thought and purpose into your decision for your future family. It is SO hard sometimes to know the right direction. And Ariam--seriously, could a little one get any cuter??? Adorable.

  8. thanks for sharing your whispers. here's hoping a still, small voice answers soon...

  9. I identify with so much of what you are saying. Feeling like your child needs a sibling, like something is unbalanced, but that it's all very complicated, too. That searching and finding your child's true story makes Ethiopian adoption a lot more questionable. We are proceeding with pursuing a second Ethiopian adoption, but are being honest with ourselves that it may turn out to be something we should walk away from. The toughest part of all that, honestly, is knowing that our daughter very much wants a sister that comes from the same place she came from. She remembers waiting for us to come, and I constantly hear about imaginary babies that are waiting in Ethiopia for us to arrive. "She is sad because she needs her family," my daughter says, "WITH HER." Oy. So we are, quite selfishly, hoping that recent changes and orphanage closures will be enough to make things more transparent and ethical in Ethiopia. Whether that turns out to be the case or not is hard to say. So we watch and wait and wring our hands in confusion and dismay.

  10. Finding Magnolia - oh that is so hard. I can see exactly what you are saying. I think that if Ariam's concept of where she was adopted from were a bit more developed, she'd say the same thing. She looks at pictures of her nannies and the other children a lot. We have not completely ruled out returning to Ethiopia to adopt. I struggle with the fact that it would be a huge gift to Ariam to have a brother or sister who is adopted, but also adopted from her country of origin. IF we decided to adopt from Africa, it would be from Ethiopia.

  11. You're an amazing woman with great wisdom. May you feel at peace with whatever direction you choose and the courage to push forward despite the obstacles.

  12. I love your peacock and can't wait for the times we will talk, laugh, and groan about the experiences that come along with raising two children. We'll get there (I think). xoxo

  13. There are some wonderful kids on RK's waiting list, just sayin' :) longtime reader of your blog--lauren


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