The first step is to penetrate the clouds of deceit and distortion and learn the truth about the world,
then to organize and act to change it. That's never been impossible and never been easy. ~Noam Chomsky

Friday, October 25, 2013

In my dreams

I can't live in Haiti with AJ. Each time I try I'm pulled back to Denver by the force of Ariam missing me and vice versa. A nightly skype call just does not cut it. Jeremy and Ariam cannot live in Haiti for medical reasons right now. They both have live-giving medications that are not accessible in Haiti and not easily sent down if an emergency arose.) Each time I'm there we think we are just a few weeks from bringing him home only to find out that that day is nowhere near. Back and forth I go.

I often think that we actually have it so good. Most adoptive parents wait 2 years while their child lives in an orphanage with little to no contact. AJ is in a great home with people we trust and we can see him as often as possible. But still.

This last visit took place over the first part of October. Two weeks is exactly enough time to begin to deeply connect and to make saying goodbye incredibly hard. A two year old needs his mom. And so does a four year old. This situation is so entirely unfair to both children.

So in my dreams I am back in Haiti and AJ is calling for me "mama..."and running through the house to me. I wake up feeling sick. Who leaves their two year old with a nanny in a foreign country??

And what can I do except regroup and then buy tickets on the credit card to go back down and keep trying?

At the end of this last trip, the night I arrived home, I had a raging fever. The sickness that overtook my body was out of this world. I was in the hospital for part of last week. The doctors aren't sure what happened to me. Today is the first day in two weeks that I feel some energy to get up and move.

It scares me to think that I could have been this sick, alone with a 2 year old, in Haiti. What then? You know what is even scarier? Thinking the what-if of AJ being that sick alone without his parents.

Because I am still recovering, Jeremy will need to go to Haiti next. The only time he has off of work is over Thanksgiving. The result is that we will divide for the holiday. Jeremy and AJ in Haiti together and Ariam and I together in the U.S.

In my dreams AJ was home for Thanksgiving this year and we would be together at our hideaway with friends up in the mountains. (A tradition that is only one year old but that we are trying to make lifelong.) The bonfire, the visit to Santa, the frost on our noses while the kids ride bikes along the one road in town. Hot chocolate and games and good food. It was supposed to happen last year. It was supposed to happen this year....

But I am trying to face reality. We have to live with the cards we've been dealt and find a way still to make the holiday and time together with each child special.

I need to admit this though.
I am not feeling very gracious.
I don't know how to overcome these feelings and not let them rub off on Ariam and AJ.
I am so deeply angry.
Furious really.
There are people, Americans, who are responsible for this situation. Specifically for the withholding of our dossier, the fraudulent wording in our documents and the destruction of our passport.
And on my kids' behalf I am completely disgusted and sickened.
I've had 36 years of holidays. But at age 4 and age 2 each holiday is so special and so important. Ariam is the queen of planning for, decorating for and discussing holidays. We haven't told her yet that Daddy will be gone for Thanksgiving. Or that AJ may not be home for Christmas.

In September we received a nasty note from our former agency's lawyer complaining about our blogging. We had made a personal offer, in mediation in June, to not blog here about the "situation" regarding our former agency. And we held to that commitment. But apparently we offended them enough somehow to be worthy of that note.

Here's the thing. Participating in mediation cost us $10,000 in legal and mediation fees. It was just a game to them though. We began the day by signing a confidentiality agreement and then found out that our former facilitator was texting details of the mediation to her friends and staff all day. We have proof of this. We just sit on it marveling at the level of deceit. Who does that?

We held to the mediation confidentiality agreement through thick and thin. Through a lot of pressure. But quite honestly I don't see why we need to stop blogging. We made the offer in good faith that there would be specific follow up happening. They cancelled the follow up. And they broke confidentiality.

And to rub salt in the wound they demand our continued silence, even on our own family blog. For WHAT??

Our family and our children have been deeply deeply wounded. It is not our fault. Not J's and not mine and not the children's. So....why are we supposed to be quiet and hold it all in?

I'm so entirely deeply tired of feeling threatened and bullied.
Those that do the bullying should try dividing their family in two for their holidays and see how they enjoy that.

Blogging is the only way we have to update our larger circle of friends and family on our adoption. And beyond that it has been my family scrap book and emotional release for the last four years.

I guess this is my way of saying no. No. I have thought about it. I was very gracious all summer. I hoped to see some massive change for the better and have yet to see it. I am done being so gracious. I have righteous anger for my family and for my children. And if blogging is an outlet that helps then it is my right to keep blogging.

In my dreams this is over. All over. AJ is home and our family is together. When that day comes then maybe my anger will abate somewhat. But until then I will blog.


My boy who waits...and waits....and waits.


  1. I'm so sorry for the situation you are in. I cannot imagine how difficult it is for all four of you. I wish I could magically get all of you together for all the holidays. I will keep hoping and praying that very soon you will all be together forever.

  2. Yes you will blog. So that we can think of you and pray for you every day. So we know exactly what to meditate on when your family comes to us. So many people love you and want the best for all of you-we want him home. You are so strong, you are so brave, love to you.

  3. I agree with Claudia.

    Still so sorry and will continue praying. My heart hurts so much for all of you.

  4. You're trying to adopt a kid who doesn't appear to be available for international adoption after 12+ months of doing so via unlicensed adoption agency and unlicensed lawyer -- and continue to do sans said agency/lawyer. Losing the agency/lawyer is the morally/ethically correct thing to do -- continuing to pursue the adoption of a not-adoptable kid (whom you clearly love and adore) from a country with a barely functioning government and huge human trafficking within the context of international adoption problem that you are fully aware of? Not so much.

    I get that you love AJ and got screwed over - its horrible and that darling boy suffers as a result. But you pursuing an unadoptable kid is so very far from an ethical adoption so as to be on another planet. In another galaxy.

    It's so ironic that you blog about the importance of adoption ethics, not supporting corruption, the need for PAPs to be responsible as they have so much power in the adoption triad in developing countries, particularly ones with weak governance like Haiti... Yet love AJ so much you want him, ethics be damned.

    You also break that poor boys heart by having him call you mommy, stay with you in Haiti WELL BEFORE that is a legal fact, ie a court declares you legally AJ's mom, officially.

    You love AJ, have wonderful intentions and they are very possible making you take reprehensible and ethically horrific actions. The ends doesn't always justify the means.

    1. Hey anonymous, I'll follow your lead and reply to you as anonymous as well. I too, am adopting from Haiti, and unfortunately, from GHRM as well. We were lied to about all the details of our child, and at this point have tried to reunite the child with their birth family, which consists of, yes, BOTH parents. Had we known that in the beginning, we wouldn't have pursued adoption of this child, but of course, those details were greatly misrepresented by Heather Elyse.
      Anyway, we have spoken with the birth parents on multiple occasions and every time we have offered helping to start a business, offered financial help, offered to pay for school, etc. and every time the parents say that they do not want the child and if we do not adopt, they will leave the child at the creche. They DO NOT WANT THIS CHILD. So, does this child seem unadoptable to you because both parents are present? If this were America and a mother wanted to put her child up for adoption, no one would bat an eye, yet here us Americans have to swoop in and play the Adoption Ethics Police and tell a Haitian family that is struggling just to survive, that their child shouldn't be adopted.
      So what do we do as adoptive parents that have loved and cared for this child for 2 years? Cancel and let them starve and rot at the crappy Orphanage GHRM is? Wait until, hopefully, IBESR shuts it down and then the child gets moved to another Orphanage and waits another 2, 3 or 4 years to be adopted by a different family?
      And to your comment about having AJ call her "mommy" - Heather Elyse has the children at the creche call all the nannies "mommy/mama" as well. So, yeah. Heather has already begun the "heart - breaking" process with these innocent children.

  5. Go back and read again Anonymous.


Some of my very dearest friendships have been made through writing this blog and reading blogs written by other adoptive families. Comments help to facilitate and grow relationships and I welcome any written with positive intentions.

Anonymous negative comments will not be posted. If you want to say it, please put your real name to it! Thanks. :)