I thought that this comment I received yesterday (see bottom of this post) was interesting enough, and well enough written, to respond to. I guess it is obvious from this comment that I haven't shared all that many details about our situation here on the blog.
I know I don't have to do so for friends and family.
But because I do write about adoption ethics I thought I'd go ahead and address this comment by saying the following:
1. AJ has legally been our son for an entire year now. We were pronounced his parents and given an adoption decree in the fall of 2012. Legally we are 100% responsible for him.
2. We have already blogged here about our multitude of concerns regarding his care, the agency we found out was unlicensed, the lies, etc that led us to remove AJ from the orphanage he was living in. We removed him fully knowing that we should and would need to investigate everything.
3. We partnered with another agency and their lawyer to completely readopt AJ in Haiti to ensure that each step of his adoption process was done with full transparency. Prior to doing this we explored all options for reuniting AJ with what was left of his family of origin. What I have just written in two sentences actually consumed 6 full months of 2013. It was not made any easier by the fact that our former agency would not give us all of AJ's original documents. We didn't even have a social history for him. So many things that could have been relatively easy were made more difficult.
4. Our ongoing delay has to do with obtaining a Haitian passport and delivering it to the embassy so that AJ can receive a visa for immigration. Obtaining a passport is not as easy as one would hope (there appear to be about 17 steps the adoption paperwork has to go through to get the passport and someone is always on vacation, there is a demonstration in the streets, the office is being relocated, the stamp was placed wrong, etc etc.) We have found that when we are there in person things move a bit more smoothly.
One of the reasons I am so very angry is because we paid for this passport and supposedly had one last February. The agency either cancelled it, destroyed it or had never applied for it. The jury is still out on what happened exactly. No matter what, no matter how everything played out, I would have liked to be holding that passport all along.
This dear child is our son. He is living in the same home he has been in since last February. His foster family (his godparents) are on a sabbatical to the U.S. So while he is in the same home and with the same Haitians who live in their home and help to care for him, he is without his foster family for a period of time. We visit him regularly to BE THERE. He needs family. We can't relocate there (in large part due to Ariam's healthcare needs) but we try to take turns to be there as much as we can to a. be present for this ongoing attempt to obtain a passport b. connect with a child who will at some point be getting on an airplane and flying across the United States to live with us (we do not want to be strangers to him) and c. learn more about AJ in a place where he is comfortable, see more of his culture and create more memories in Haiti.
I will not be able to go into any detail about the "why" of AJ being adopted and the details of our investigation of and connection with his family of origin. Doing that would not serve him, them or us. It may serve you and your curiosity and I get that completely. It would be interesting to write about particularly from a bigger picture adoption ethics standpoint. But it is not appropriate.
What I want to say though is that it would have been far easier to walk away from AJ last February. It really would have. We are neither doing something altruistic by bringing him to the US nor are we doing something easy and fun for our family. The cost - financially, emotionally, physically and to our family life and careers has been outrageous. It is not the easy thing to do. But it is the right thing. We are sure of that.
So AJ waits and we wait. And yes, we are angry. We watch as dozens of families walk behind us in this complicated process of determining if the children they hoped to adopt through this agency and orphanage are adoptable. We equally cheer when a child's adoption turns out to be legitimate and we also cheer for those families who have been able to reunite the child they hoped to adopt with their birth families. We have seen some heartbreaking resolutions and I have also been present in Haiti for some amazing child-birthmother reunions.
There is absolutely no one size fits all solution for the families and kids affected by this entire situation. I am so very inspired to watch as people strive to do the right thing even when it is the hardest thing they have ever done. This is an incredibly complicated situation for people who went in to adoption believing it was going to be a way to grow their family. It requires layers and layers of understanding, knowledge, effort, love, and patience. Presuming the worst of each other is the last thing we need.
~A
I know I don't have to do so for friends and family.
But because I do write about adoption ethics I thought I'd go ahead and address this comment by saying the following:
1. AJ has legally been our son for an entire year now. We were pronounced his parents and given an adoption decree in the fall of 2012. Legally we are 100% responsible for him.
2. We have already blogged here about our multitude of concerns regarding his care, the agency we found out was unlicensed, the lies, etc that led us to remove AJ from the orphanage he was living in. We removed him fully knowing that we should and would need to investigate everything.
3. We partnered with another agency and their lawyer to completely readopt AJ in Haiti to ensure that each step of his adoption process was done with full transparency. Prior to doing this we explored all options for reuniting AJ with what was left of his family of origin. What I have just written in two sentences actually consumed 6 full months of 2013. It was not made any easier by the fact that our former agency would not give us all of AJ's original documents. We didn't even have a social history for him. So many things that could have been relatively easy were made more difficult.
4. Our ongoing delay has to do with obtaining a Haitian passport and delivering it to the embassy so that AJ can receive a visa for immigration. Obtaining a passport is not as easy as one would hope (there appear to be about 17 steps the adoption paperwork has to go through to get the passport and someone is always on vacation, there is a demonstration in the streets, the office is being relocated, the stamp was placed wrong, etc etc.) We have found that when we are there in person things move a bit more smoothly.
One of the reasons I am so very angry is because we paid for this passport and supposedly had one last February. The agency either cancelled it, destroyed it or had never applied for it. The jury is still out on what happened exactly. No matter what, no matter how everything played out, I would have liked to be holding that passport all along.
This dear child is our son. He is living in the same home he has been in since last February. His foster family (his godparents) are on a sabbatical to the U.S. So while he is in the same home and with the same Haitians who live in their home and help to care for him, he is without his foster family for a period of time. We visit him regularly to BE THERE. He needs family. We can't relocate there (in large part due to Ariam's healthcare needs) but we try to take turns to be there as much as we can to a. be present for this ongoing attempt to obtain a passport b. connect with a child who will at some point be getting on an airplane and flying across the United States to live with us (we do not want to be strangers to him) and c. learn more about AJ in a place where he is comfortable, see more of his culture and create more memories in Haiti.
I will not be able to go into any detail about the "why" of AJ being adopted and the details of our investigation of and connection with his family of origin. Doing that would not serve him, them or us. It may serve you and your curiosity and I get that completely. It would be interesting to write about particularly from a bigger picture adoption ethics standpoint. But it is not appropriate.
What I want to say though is that it would have been far easier to walk away from AJ last February. It really would have. We are neither doing something altruistic by bringing him to the US nor are we doing something easy and fun for our family. The cost - financially, emotionally, physically and to our family life and careers has been outrageous. It is not the easy thing to do. But it is the right thing. We are sure of that.
So AJ waits and we wait. And yes, we are angry. We watch as dozens of families walk behind us in this complicated process of determining if the children they hoped to adopt through this agency and orphanage are adoptable. We equally cheer when a child's adoption turns out to be legitimate and we also cheer for those families who have been able to reunite the child they hoped to adopt with their birth families. We have seen some heartbreaking resolutions and I have also been present in Haiti for some amazing child-birthmother reunions.
There is absolutely no one size fits all solution for the families and kids affected by this entire situation. I am so very inspired to watch as people strive to do the right thing even when it is the hardest thing they have ever done. This is an incredibly complicated situation for people who went in to adoption believing it was going to be a way to grow their family. It requires layers and layers of understanding, knowledge, effort, love, and patience. Presuming the worst of each other is the last thing we need.
~A
AnonymousOctober 25, 2013 at 11:07 PM
You're trying to adopt a kid who doesn't appear to be available for international adoption after 12+ months of doing so via unlicensed adoption agency and unlicensed lawyer -- and continue to do sans said agency/lawyer. Losing the agency/lawyer is the morally/ethically correct thing to do -- continuing to pursue the adoption of a not-adoptable kid (whom you clearly love and adore) from a country with a barely functioning government and huge human trafficking within the context of international adoption problem that you are fully aware of? Not so much.
I get that you love AJ and got screwed over - its horrible and that darling boy suffers as a result. But you pursuing an unadoptable kid is so very far from an ethical adoption so as to be on another planet. In another galaxy.
It's so ironic that you blog about the importance of adoption ethics, not supporting corruption, the need for PAPs to be responsible as they have so much power in the adoption triad in developing countries, particularly ones with weak governance like Haiti... Yet love AJ so much you want him, ethics be damned.
You also break that poor boys heart by having him call you mommy, stay with you in Haiti WELL BEFORE that is a legal fact, ie a court declares you legally AJ's mom, officially.
You love AJ, have wonderful intentions and they are very possible making you take reprehensible and ethically horrific actions. The ends doesn't always justify the means.
I get that you love AJ and got screwed over - its horrible and that darling boy suffers as a result. But you pursuing an unadoptable kid is so very far from an ethical adoption so as to be on another planet. In another galaxy.
It's so ironic that you blog about the importance of adoption ethics, not supporting corruption, the need for PAPs to be responsible as they have so much power in the adoption triad in developing countries, particularly ones with weak governance like Haiti... Yet love AJ so much you want him, ethics be damned.
You also break that poor boys heart by having him call you mommy, stay with you in Haiti WELL BEFORE that is a legal fact, ie a court declares you legally AJ's mom, officially.
You love AJ, have wonderful intentions and they are very possible making you take reprehensible and ethically horrific actions. The ends doesn't always justify the means.
Keep on Truckin' Amanda!
ReplyDelete"There is absolutely no one size fits all solution for the families and kids affected by this entire situation. I am so very inspired to watch as people strive to do the right thing even when it is the hardest thing they have ever done." Amen.
ReplyDeleteIt is so easy to look at one blog post, not bother to read other posts for context and detail, and hop on your anonymous high horse.
ReplyDeleteI think you have handled this amazingly. I found the blog about the original people you used and I am horrified by their actions. We dealt with similar issues and ultimately ended up moving to Uganda for four months to finally finish our adoption but it was a nightmare. You put all your faith in these people to deliver on their promises and to be working for the benefit of everyone involved - finding out that you've been scammed and lied to is the ultimate heartbreak.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you took the time to address all this.
Your response to "Anonymous" was gracious and kind beyond the call of duty. "Anonymous" flew off the handle at you without knowing the facts. I hope he or she is chagrined and apologizes. He or she owes you that.
ReplyDeleteI appreciate the explanation -- particularly as you do not owe it to strangers. It's unfortunate that AJ is your son and yet languishes abroad.
ReplyDeleteWhat does distress me - particularly as you're an experienced adoptive family - is that you failed to do your due diligence in finding a licensed agency/facility to work with (surely even the Haitian government has a list of licensed folks somewhere; surely you get a receipt when you submit stuff to IBSER; surely there's a way to get a copy).
The consequences are borne by AJ - who lives with with transient caregivers, currently a paid one (so not the same as a family! Or even a loving family friend!).
The fact that neither parent can relocate to haiti to care for their SON, is heartbreaking. The kid lost his first parents, which is a huge tragic loss. His second parents abandonned him to paid staff (not by choice, end result is the same).
Ariam is presumably learning that in a family, it's acceptable to leave a kid in another country, to pay strangers to care for YOUR child. Yes, you've no choice, it's not your fault, it's the end result.
If you are so "distraught" by their supposed "negligence" then why are you on here following her story...? Your comment is neither helpful nor encouraging...what are they supposed to do at this point!? They are doing the best they can with the hand they got dealt...Amanda has never said that it was "acceptable" to leave a child in another country...and p.s. Hiring/paying someone to care for your child happens all the time in the U.S. as well...they are called nannies and babysitters. At least she was able to find a caring family to take care of AJ instead of leaving him in a negligent orphanage. And anyway, who are YOU to judge any of this!?!! Amanda has let down her guard and opened up to share her story which takes tremendous courage. If you have nothing supportive or helpful to say, then you should probably keep those comments to yourself.
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DeleteThere are a lot of things I wish we had done in hindsight. The key thing being not trusting that an agency claiming to be Christian was telling us the truth about being licensed. There are now better guidelines in place in Haiti to help families navigate who is licensed and who is not.
DeleteAs for Ariam - I hope that what she is learning is that families love each other, they never give up on one another, they do HARD things together and for one another. It's not been easy on her. But I hope that the good of the lessons learned about love, even across time and distance, will contribute to her ability to grow into an empathetic and compassionate individual. Not the kind that leaves cruel comments on blogs.
@worldtravels76: Nannies and babysitters traditionally SUPPLEMENT the care provided by parents, rather than provide care IN LIEU of parents. The latter are not unlike orphanage caregivers. Good caregivers, loving caregivers, sure, but not parents.
DeleteI hope Ariam learns love and compassion from your presently fractured family. I remain appalled that you could've done due diligence on the Christian organization your chose to work with initially simply on the basis they're Christian. (Crusades and indulgences, anyone?).
My heart breaks for AJ.
It actually feels a bit like you are on an indulgent crusade lurking here. It is a giant leap from my saying that we trusted a Christian agency saying it was licensed to actually be licensed to your assumption that we didn't do our due diligence based on the fact that we worked with a Christian organization.
DeleteWe did a lot of work to learn about this organization. The key mistake we made was believing things they put in writing to us. However, it is a mistake I challenge anyone else to try and avoid. Who would believe someone would put complete lies in writing to a prospective client? Please let this be your last comment.
You rock. and I am sorry abotu this mess. Poor AJ and you. My prayers are with you.
ReplyDeleteAlisha, I would encourage you to read the blog written by multiple families who were scammed by GHRM. After following Amanda's story there, here, and on Facebook, it is quite obvious that this situation cannot be blamed on Amanda or any of the other families involved. Of course hindsight is 20/20 and they all can see red flags that were ignored or questions that they wish they had pursued. But those things are not good reason to blame them for this entire situation. This agency was practicing in the US without a license. Do you confirm that your doctor or bank or favorite restaurant are properly licensed before using them? Probably not. How is this any different? It's natural to assume that Americans who are in American companies are being held accountable to the law.
ReplyDeleteAnd I'm pretty sure that no one will disagree with you that having a nanny as your only caregiver for such an extended period is a terrible thing for a child. In fact, that's the point. I know written form doesn't express things as well as in person conversation, but can't you sense the heartbreak pouring out of Amanda that she has no choice but to put her son in that position? Can't you see that the result of this agency's deceptive practices is that Amanda and her family are trapped in this horrible position with no solution that is good for either of thier children?
Amanda, as always, your courage inspires me. Keep fighting. Your dedication to love your children in the midst of all of this mess is crystal clear.
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ReplyDeleteCritics are men who watch a battle from a high place then come down and shoot the survivors.”—Hemingway
ReplyDeleteYes. That. Keep on keeping on, Amanda. You are brave and beautiful.
DeleteT&T perfection!
DeleteAmen. Once again you nail it.
DeleteI just want to track you down and squeeze the tar out of you with a giant hug! You are such a warrior momma fighting for her family. My heart hurts for you. So proud of your perseverance. Thank you for being brave enough to share.
ReplyDeleteShe is a warrior momma, no question about it. I'm so proud of her and her husband... a force to be reckoned with. Much love to you, dear one.
DeleteI am in awe of you, Amanda. You can do HARD things and are doing so with grace. Prayers that this nightmare ends soon.
ReplyDeleteKeep on keeping on my friend, you are in our hearts!
ReplyDeleteYou've responded with such grace, both to the original anonymous commenter (who could easily have received the same information by reading more of your blog) and to Alisha, whereas my knee jerk reaction lately is to say something completely immature like, "Don't worry, Amanda. Alisha just has hemorrhoids and ran out of medicated wipes. She's grumpy from the itching and burning, and it's not about you personally." Because how many times have I read these types of comments? HOW MANY? Too many.
ReplyDeleteKeep fighting the good fight with grace and dignity.
(PS - I hope I made you laugh. I took a risk that Alisha would read my comment and bestow her wisdom and knowledge on my blog, because if she's heartless enough to come criticize me back when I've got a baby in the hospital - an immobile baby with a rash! even more pitiful! - then I'm pretty sure the world will see how awful human beings can be to one another and strive to do a bit better.)
Hah! You did make me laugh. And you know what, I think we all know an "Alisha" or two from our online worlds. It is the downside of blogging. But the beauty is that there are so many upsides to blogging. Like knowing you!! (A)
Deletethanks for informations..
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteYou're the best Amanda!
DeleteJust chiming in to let you know I keep up with your blog since I've been terrible at keeping in touch with you personally lately;) I'm continuing to hope and pray for resolution with all of the adoption logistics, and in the meantime I remain in awe of your love and patience, sacrifice and resilience. These kids are SO lucky to have such amazing parents. Love ya!
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