The first step is to penetrate the clouds of deceit and distortion and learn the truth about the world,
then to organize and act to change it. That's never been impossible and never been easy. ~Noam Chomsky

Friday, January 14, 2011

We are losing our first love

How to say what I have to say?

It is nearing the time when we have to say goodbye to our first baby, Cassidy.

I can look back and see some of the signs now, in hindsight.
In August we took her on an easy hike. Before we even got started I had to go back to the car for something. She clawed her way up into the front seat and didn't want to come back out.

We took her to the Platte this fall, on a warm day, to paddle in the shallow areas. She stepped in, stumbled a bit, and looked to us to see if she (our water dog) could get out and sit quietly by the side of the river.

She growled at Ariam this fall when she came too close to her dog bed.

I've been finding little last bites of food uneaten in her dog dish.

Over Christmas she began to gag and cough. It didn't go away. I pretended she had a cold and was clearing her throat while quietly googling and denying.

This is Cassidy. This is our special girl.
http://at-the-watershed.blogspot.com/2009/08/great-dog.html

Yesterday the vet confirmed that she has a large tumor growing in her chest and pressing on her bronchii. Thus the coughing/gagging.

I feel like we are stepping off the road of happiness and onto this awful little detour. We know where it will take us but not quite when we'll get there or how to navigate the way.

I am waffling between grief and denial.
Cassidy's bed is moving into our room. Dinners are being served with sides of homecooked goodies. Jeremy, the vegetarian, bought her a Wen.dy's double stack burger yesterday.

A future life without Cassidy. I can't imagine it. She's been quieter and quieter but she's still a huge presence in our lives and whenever I need to feel young or need a reminder of our best days I just put my arm around her and it all comes rushing back. Where will I find that? Where will she go? Where will our memories be?


I'm choking on the pit in my stomach. The knowing. The not knowing. It is terrible. When she is gone she will take a part of me with her.

~A

9 comments:

  1. Breaks my heart for you, sweet girl!

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  2. Oh, I'm so sorry to hear this, A. What a hard time. What a special girl she must be, and I'm so sorry you are going to have to say goodbye.

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  3. Yes, honey, she will take a part of you with her when she goes. Rejoice in the love you've felt from her and for her all these years. She will always be your first baby and will hold that special place in your heart forever. I'm grieving for you. Love you! Glori

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  4. Oh I am so sorry !

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  5. Beautiful post and I feel your pain. I still get sad every once in a while thinking about my girls (even tearing up a little just typing this). I can tell you that you will know in your heart when the time comes and Cassidy will always be a part of you. xoxo

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  6. Oh Amanda! I am so sorry. Cass is such a special girl. I miss her terribly. I'm crying now, knowing my girl has only a short time left. Have you ever purchased one of those doggy-paw casting kits? They're safe and allow you to take a casting/mold of your dogs paw and save it. I thought about doing this for you two the last time I watcher her - as a gift for you both when you left DC. But, I never go around to doing it. I wish I had. Please give her extra love and kisses from me and tell Jer I'm so sorry.

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  7. I am sitting here sobbing for you and the love you have for your precious pet. I am so sorry. I do not believe I have been this affected by a blog post in a while. Love her as much as you can in the time she has...

    My thoughts are with you.

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