You say goodbye and I say hello

J and  I just arrived home from spending a very extended period of time with AJ in Haiti.

When I arrived in Haiti in July I had every intention of staying until I crossed through the immigration line in the U.S. with him, proudly wearing our Colorado t-shirts, hopefully by end of this month.

But things don't always turn out the way we have planned. It became clear that AJ's passport and visa would not be ready in July or August.

J left Haiti first. So it was up to me on Tuesday afternoon to haul my 55 pound suitcase out to the van and wrap my arms around my distracted little boy with the frown on his face. I told him I would be back.

I didn't think I would cry. I honestly thought that I've cried every tear available to me since January and have not a single drop left.

But when he started crying I cried. I cried for him and for us. So many hellos and goodbyes. So much time passed since we first met. So many hurdles we've had to overcome and so many still to go. Confusing for a 2 year old.

I cried for the pure unfairness of life. And for what he will think when I am gone. And how he will view me when I show up again, randomly, in his life at a future date.

If I'm honest I am still crying. Something happened today that just set me off. It's interesting isn't it how when you are holding back one big set of tears, something can sneak in and trigger them from an unrelated angle?

I wonder sometimes how many times we can all pick ourselves up, brush ourselves off and keep going forward. How many times can I wipe away the tears in the shower and keep a stoic face when friends ask how the adoption is going. How many times can we go to Haiti and not bring AJ home?

I wonder how long Ariam can deal with this - the tension, the anxiety, the not knowing and waiting. I wonder how many more midnight phone calls I can field from other adoptive families using our former organization who are terrified for their children. How long can I keep up the strength to listen and support and encourage?

I guess we just keep walking forward. Putting one foot in front of the other. I'm going to try to blog more. It helps. Most of the time it is easier to write about all of this than it is to talk about it. Thanks for being here with me.

~A


AJ the morning before I left. He's getting so big.

(I put him in the Colorado t-shirt that was meant for his homecoming.)

For Alex

One year ago J's best friend died. In the way of things that are very sudden, it was totally unexpected and extremely painful.

We wrestle because it feels so unnecessary. One minute he was the very healthiest and fittest person we knew, the next minute his heart failed him.

I didn't blog about it at the time. It was incredibly overwhelming, shocking and it terrified me that a loved one could be gone in just the blink of an eye.

I will never forget the phone call. J went to the front porch and sat in silence, crying. I knew when he came to me that it must be some of the worst news a person could receive. We both cried all day. We dug through our shoeboxes of high school, college and wedding pictures to find old memories of Alex.

We started making immediate plans for J to fly home to California for the wake and funeral and came to the sad realization that Ariam and I just couldn't go along. We knew the schedule would be long nights and days filled with tears and at age 3 she just wasn't ready for that.

There is something very hard about being the one who stayed behind, who didn't go to the funeral. I lack a level of closure. Almost like I have spent this last year in disbelief that Alex is gone....

Dear Friend,

You were the first "important" person that J introduced me to after we started dating. You know he's an introvert. So meeting his very closest friend in the world was a big deal.

He brought me home to meet you a few months after we started dating.
Alex. My rival. Unexpected to J, the two most important extroverts in his life did not hit it off!

We both wanted his full attention, time and coveted his laughs at our antics. We hadn't learned how to team up yet you and I. You were full of inside jokes and memories shared, full of time playing hockey and locker room stories and nicknames. All. BOY.

I was a sheltered girly girl straight from my first year at Christian college. I was falling in love with J and wanted all of him. I felt like you were my competition. We clashed, we rolled our eyes at each other. We made some passive agressive attempts to avoid hanging out. I am surprised that J didn't ditch us both!

But we wormed our way into each other's hearts. Do you remember when? I don't. But it happened and I'm so thankful for that.

YOU were the only person who could help me navigate J's family. When I was on the brink of biting my tongue in half it was you who would kick me under the table and whisper jokes to me. Do you remember that ridiculous wedding shower? And the hilarious gifts we received?! You caught my eye behind the scenes in tense times and let me know I had an ally. You were like a brother to me. The brother that always made me do things that got me in trouble! But I loved you for it.

As the years passed I noticed how much you loved my boyfriend and then husband. You called him regularly. You were the only friend he shared everything with.

I remember you in your tuxedo at our wedding walking down the aisle with my best friend. She falling apart at the emotional day and you holding her steady and teasing her to crack a smile.

As the years passed you grew and matured. You became closer to God. You dreamed of a family. When J spent years not wanting kids you were the only friend he listened to when you told him he could do it and would be an amazing dad. You and I conspired to time our children together and raise them together.

Every time you called you said "Hey! Manda hug n' kiss!" You had a nickname for everyone you loved.

The last time we saw each other it was summer. You and J spent hours in the mall helping me pick a dress for a friend's wedding. Just like anything we did together we had fun. You had a way of making people feel good about themselves. You were doing personal training and I asked your advice. You told me not to eat that second piece of pizza and I laughed at you and did it anyway. But you never made me feel bad.

Alex, we never ever imagined a life without you. We should have come back to CA a lot sooner to spend time with you. You know why we didn't. And I know you understand. But we should have and we missed watching you grow to know Ariam.

We named our little guy after you. He has some big shoes to fill. But it was the only name J could even consider and I agreed, it only seemed right. Our little AJ is so much like you - a comedian, a love bug, and he lights up a room like you did with his smile. I hope you approve.

We miss you. Our hearts grieve tonight that you will never meet AJ. That you never got to be a father.
We know that you are watching over us and watching over little Alex.

Until we meet again.
Our love always,

~ A

Comedian

Sunglasses lover