The first step is to penetrate the clouds of deceit and distortion and learn the truth about the world,
then to organize and act to change it. That's never been impossible and never been easy. ~Noam Chomsky

Thursday, April 11, 2013

Adoption Truth Part I: I have changed

Thanks for joining my recap of 2012. It was necessary for me to post. A reminder that in the dark and hard places of our life there is also light and beauty and so much love.

And now, to start the story. I need to ask for your grace. This blog is about to get a lot less rainbows and unicorns and pretty photos. I am not perfect and certainly don't have all the answers. What I have to share is deeply personal and it scares me to put it all out here in this way. Please be gentle with me. And with yourself. More than anything I am aware that adoptive parents read this blog and that words have a powerful way of touching places in our lives that we didn't want to disturb or consider too closely.

Thank you for coming back after I've been gone so long. Thank you for caring.

........................
Part I


I am not the same woman I was when this blog was born. Our adoption of Ariam has deeply impacted and forever changed the way I see the world. Reading my blog from inception to present, in preparation for reopening it, was so eye opening.

The most significant change I see is in my perception of the adoption triad (in our case, to keep it simple)– birthmother, adoptive mother, daughter. Daughter to two mothers. Mothers sharing daughter. Across time, space and beyond all comprehension, we are sharing.

We became parents to the most amazing, fantastic, joyful, loving, funny, animated little girl on planet earth in June of 2010.

And at least once each week I look at this little girl of mine and think about the girl who gave her life.

And Ariam asks about that girl-woman regularly. We talk about how we’ve heard that her nose was so similar to Ariam’s. How she also had light coffee colored skin. We talk about how sparkly her eyes must have been. I am deeply moved by this woman who connects us and I know that Ariam is as well.

We searched for her and that search turned upside down everything I thought previously about adoption. It is very clear to us that adoption was not Ariam’s birthmother’s plan. It has ended up as Ariam’s best second option. But it was not predestined, it was not “meant to be” and it most definitely damaged an inherent human right. The right her mother should have had to be involved in decision making about her daughter’s care. 

I am going to share something here that has forever damaged something in my soul and for which I hope Ariam forgives me someday for sharing. Because it will change you too. And you need to hear this before I can move on to part II of our story.

We learned that when Ariam’s girl-woman birthmother learned she was gone from the place she had entrusted her and gone from Ethiopia. She lay on the floor and cried. She cried for ‘days’.  

that is not ok. That image of her haunts me. It will not be ok with Ariam. It is not acceptable in our book and we don't think it is in God's plan for his creation. It was the consequence of a choice her birthmother made. But it was not the logical linear consequence. It was not a consequence that would have occurred if the local orphanage had taken the time to investigate. In the same situation, it was not a consequence I would have had to pay for a youthful mistake. And it was a harsh penalty a young woman paid for some poor decisions - made with very few alternative options.

I am changed. I am humbled. I am seared to the core. And I can never go back and be the same person I used to be. She can never be the same person she was growing to be.

As for Ariam. She doesn't know all of this story yet. So we won’t share more here. But she is a deeply thoughtful, caring, and empathetic little girl. She is the girl who rubs her friends’ backs at preschool when they are sad. She is the one who tells me she will hold her little brother to her heart when he is scared. She is the one full of love, hope and trust. She writes us love letters and brings them home from preschool daily.

Someday her heart will break when she learns her complete story. How could it not? 

This experience has shaped our family. It has shaped the way we view adoption. It has profoundly impacted our view of birth families and our appreciation for the difficult choices they make. And the ridiculously unfair and unjust "options" available (or forced) upon them.

We know, beyond a shadow of a doubt based on our experience, that orphanages can create “orphans” and that adoption can create orphanages. And if neither existed many children would remain in some form of family care either with their parents or extended family.

And yet we also know that, without adoption as an option on the spectrum of care, many children would grow up alone, in institutions, without a family.

HOW to reconcile these two?

We are complicit in this system. A system that provides families for some children who are very much in need and that creates “orphans” out of others who have living, caring, and with some support entirely capable birthparents.

We are complicit because we want to be a family. We want to be parents. We want to bring Ariam’s little brother home from Haiti. As adoptive parents, it is incredibly hard to overrule wants/emotions with sense, logic, justice, big picture thinking. I know it is excruciatingly hard because I live this.

Let’s start here. Let’s start this blog over with the premise that we have arrived at the awareness of this tangled complexity. And that we have come to some conclusions based on our ongoing experience with adoption. 

We as a family are awakened to the knowledge that we are complicit in a system that does not always serve those who most need it.
We have been complicit. But no more.  
Done with the group think.
Done with feeling emotionally held hostage.
Done thinking of our wants and needs and placing the highest priority on those.
Done turning a blind eye to red flags.
Done stepping on egg shells with agencies and their leadership.
Done worrying about the public opinion of other adoptive parents. 

We are in no way “anti-adoption” but we are fully awake to the fraud, injustice, and perpetuated cruelties of the “system.”

So.
On February 26, 2013, with final adoption decree in hand, we removed our son from the agency and orphanage that had been overseeing his care in Haiti. Putting our own adoption (our ability to get a US visa to bring him home) on the line and in jeopardy for the sake of the truth. 

I began this blog by wanting to add something to the story. When it seemed our adoption in Haiti could be on the line and we had to make some big choices, I was too scared to continue writing.

But no more.
For Ariam. For AJ.  I love you both. This work is my gift to you – your past present and future. This is our new beginning at the Watershed.

~A

67 comments:

  1. Thank you for your bravery. You are not alone, and Ariam isn't either. We mourn together for the families torn apart to make our own.

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  2. Such important and heartbreakingly difficult work, Amanda. I offer you my full support as you go down this road.

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  3. You are so, so brave. And strong. And I admire that so very much. You are not alone. There are many, MANY who support you 100%. And the truth shall set you free. xoxo

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  4. You three just brought tears to my eyes. Thank you.

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  5. So beautifully written, filled with such complexity, filled with such love and honesty. Thank you for choosing to share this.

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  6. There is so much love and support that I am sending you right now. I know Tara will one day ask these questions and I am so thankful to have friends - close and a far - who will be able to love and support me and Tara when we hit our struggling moments. Thank you!

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  7. My son was ripped from the arms of his ama by his uncle in order to be relinquishd for adoption. Was she crying? No, she was screaming. In a culture where women have no voice and the uncle is supporting his brother's family -- he got to make that choice. They each had an arm and were pulling so hard, my son thought he was going to be ripped in half. It hurt. I wonder if her screams echo in his head like they do in mine. The uncle then lied about the mother's death so that only he would be required to show up for court. The family's home is inaccessible by car, so no one showed up to check out the story. I hear your anguish about your daughter's birthmother's anguish, because it is mine too. And my son's. His life will be forever colored by his early trauma. This is not the happy ending to having a family that I'd envisioned.

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  8. Ariam has experienced loss to a degree she cannot comprehend yet and will likely spend most of her life processing to some degree or another. You and your daughter our bonded not only through the love of family but through this injustice. Serve as each other's strength as you cope with these issues. I am sorry that the rose-colored glasses were shattered but knowing the truth is the first step toward making life choices that will make a difference for the children still caught in the process. My children were not orphans either and I completely empathize with you when you discuss your awakening. I too re-read my adoption blog from early in the process and the person I was then was completely unaware, totally naive and incredibly different from who I am today as a result of the experience.

    Do not give credence to those who speak against you for being honest. At the heart of it, they have selfish, ethnocentric desires to create families from children that already have families. Once you're aware of the truth, there's no going back.

    Peace to you and yours on your journey to being AJ home.

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    1. I'm sorry it has been such struggle for you. What a powerful story. I will pray for you now.

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  9. *bringing

    (I apologize for the issues. I'm typing on my phone!)

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  10. I couldn't possibly love you more. I feel a bit like you are ( a much, much better version) Mel Gibson in Braveheart and we are all sitting here raising our weapons (in this case-our hearts) in a hoo-rah fashion. We are here, we will be whatever kind of support you need. Love to your whole family, mama.

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    1. I love this and agree with your words whole-heartedly. Isn't Amanda amazing?!

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    2. Braveheart. Perfect. With you. You are not alone.

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    3. Last night we were watching Braveheart. The scene where William Wallace rides out on the battlefield and gives his terms to the English army? Exactly. Too funny that you thought of this too Tesi.

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  11. Good for you, friend. Well expressed and sensitively written. Thanks for you courage.

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  12. This sounds incredibly wrenching, Amanda. I can't imagine the agony of this ordeal.

    But can you clarify what exactly happened that would have convinced the birth mother to part with Ariam?

    Was she "conned" by the orphanage/adoption agency? Did she voluntarily send Ariam to an orphanage because of some circumstance in her own life, after which the orphanage/adoption agency sent Ariam abroad without the mother's knowledge or permission? Did the birth mother agree to an adoption and later retract the decision to no avail?

    Is Ariam's birth mother one of the "fully capable parents" who just needs some support?

    And, her mother is capable, would you ever consider returning Ariam to her birth mother?

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    1. I'm not sure where my original reply went. But I wanted to clarify that I can't share more of Ariam's story online. I know that leaves holes and questions.

      I will share thoughts on some of these overall issues on this blog and I think your questions are really good and valid.

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  13. My therapist once told me that there is only shame in secrets, not in the truth so I hope you are feeling peace in your heart today. It's one step in healing. For all of us involved in international adoption. But it is your beautiful daughter who will benefit most from your truthtelling.

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  14. Sending you prayers of strength and love. :)

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  15. Many tears just shed with you and for you and Ariam. AND the truth will always set you free. It will be painful for A but it will be freeing. It is so hard, but it is right and good and just! We cannot continue to turn a blind eye. Thank you for being so brave. HUGS!!

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  16. We have been blog friends for a loooong time. I know what you mean about the change that happens once you open your heart to adoption and once you fully open your eyes to how effects each person involved. I adore you and your bravery...your beautiful heart. It can be very difficult to speak truth. It does not always bring positive consequences, but it is necessary in order for us to walk in truth and honor. That is exactly what you are doing now. And I pray right along with you that your walk in truth and honor will bring about positive consequences. That you will be reunited with your Haitian son. It is clear that you are doing this in honor of your son's presence in this world, in honor of his truth. It is unselfish and it is beautiful. May blessings surround him and you and your husband and your daughter. May they wrap you up. xoxo

    Theresa

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  17. Thinking of you all, including Ariam's first mom. Courage, kindness and strength to you on this journey.

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  18. I'm so glad to have this blog back up, to keep track of your struggles and triumphs! And for the adorable photos:) Your courage to face these issues as a family, to both acknowledge them and to make difficult decisions to address them, and also to share them publicly is admirable. It all sounds so complex, but the only way to change the systems and to protect future children and families is to speak out, I'm so proud that you're leading the way. And, I love Manda's comment above about you and Ariam being further bonded through this struggle - it is so true and such a great perspective. Love, Karina

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  19. Thank you friends.

    For Rich:
    I wish I could answer those questions for you. But we have a rule in our family that we will try to never share more details of Ariam's specific story than she already knows and allows us to share. It belongs to her. I share this tiny piece (with much concern that even this is oversharing) here within this story only to prepare everyone for what I am about to write regarding our Haitian adoption. It sets the stage. And I hope will prepare your hearts.

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  20. This is so sad. I am sickened at the image of the mama laying on the floor. Devastated for your daughter and what she will have to live with. And so sorry for you, for you also have to live with this. :(

    Is there a medium that can be reached? Would it be out of the realm of possibility to take her to Ethiopia for a month or so each year so that she and her mother could spend time together?

    Praying for your family. Thank you for speaking. :(

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  21. So sorry for the heartache and pain this causes. We have not suffered this scenario, but I can empathize with the emotional turmoil caused. Many of our ET children's history was fiction. Created with little regard to the damage and pain it caused. For one dear child, we discovered while there in ET with her that her file was all lies. She had living father and many siblings. Our agency stood behind us to get paperwork corrected and steps taken to insure adoption could be completed. In the end, her birth father refused to sign paperwork and her fate was sealed. She will live out her childhood in large orphanage until she is forced out. Not a pretty life for HIV+ child also disabled. So sad. Other if our children were taken by bio parents to orphanages with fictious storys of dead parents and no livjng relatives. These children were sworn to secrecy. For some it took years for them to be able to tell us the truth. Those birth families planned for these children to be adoptedto U.S. to be a resource for the birth family in Ethiopia. Some believed thier child would be able at 18 to bring rest of family to U.S. and it's streets paved with gold. I understand (culture and misguided bio parents), but am angry by the guilt trips laid on our now adult ET children and the pressure they endure for $ and help from our young single adults trying to make thier own life.
    Out of 11 adoptions from Ethiopia all but four had false paperwork. All lies given by those family or friends if family who turned them into care of orphange. This happens in China adoptions of older kids too, but so often. We have only once that I know of been lied too by an agency, for that I am thankful. We have been blessed greatly to find birth families of most of our ET kids. Even the ones adopted as toddlers. This is a huge gift to our kids. The ones we have been able to take back to visit now have "two familes" and that is a long legacy for them and for thier children. (we have grandchildren from a few of our ET adult kids) Praying for you little man in Haiti. So hard!

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  22. I'm so sorry because I know that this is so hard to read. For us it is not new. I'm not writing anything that we haven't known or been working to investigate and resolve for almost 2 years now. I have made trips to Ethiopia. I want to assure everyone that everything that can be done is being done. (How is that for vague? Sorry.) I wish we could win the lottery and focus all of our attention on both children's stories and divide our time in two countries. But for the moment we are in Haiti every month. Part I of our story is to set the stage for what I am about to share next...

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  23. This is so well written, A. I am completely behind you on this and so admire your bravery, selflessness and wisdom as you are moving forward. You are not alone.

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  24. The bravery, compassion and love that it must have taken you to share this story is inspiring. I am a 38 year old single woman who is just beginning the road of building a family through adoption. I am most appreciative of you sharing this information - it is very eye opening for me. Prayers to you and your family.

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  25. I'm so so so so sorry about all of this. How completely heartbreaking to know that your daughter's birthmother didn't want this outcome. And I can't even imagine the horror of being separated from your son for so long and for such unnecessary reasons.

    Your bravery at facing this, despite personal loss, is inspiring. Your boldness at proclaiming it so publicly can only bring good things. Maybe more families will stand up to injustice and speak out about it. Either way, the Truth is always right.

    I'm impressed and encouraged by your character. And I am so thankful that this injustice is coming to light.

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  26. Amanda, you are a warrior for all of our children and all of their stories and every single one of us inching towards (or already arrived) at understanding that one injustice is an injustice too many. I will offer to hold this with you in any way you need. Thank you for your courage.

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  27. We are planning to accept a referral for two girls in ET next week. We are desperate to make sure they are true orphans...any advice? Is there anyway to know for sure?

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    1. I'm going to post this weekend about how to look for red flags in the adoption process. I hope that will be helpful. None of this is easy. I truly believe that for some children adoption is needed. So I don't have great advice on the surface. But will do my best in my upcoming post. Based on our experience.

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    2. Interesting that your crisis of conscious with respect to Ariam happened AFTER you got your super-duper desired, as-young-as-possible girl child home from ET. You, like many APs, are of the "oh, I'd never adopt from (country you adopted from) now! So much corruption!".

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    3. That is actually not how I feel. But I respect that in reading our story you may interpret it this way.

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  28. I am so sorry to hear this -- and I pray that the path forward becomes clear for your situation. I just gave a talk to a moms' group about adoption, and I don't think it was quite what they were expecting. We are in process (not with ET) for our second child, and our eyes are very different now than 6 years ago with our first. Much of my talk was about "negatives" such as loss in adoption, the importance of working with an ethical adoption agency, the realities of needing a LOT of education about becoming a transracial family, and the fact that adoption is always "plan B" for a child. Thank you for being honest about your experience -- it's so important that we all realize what's at stake when we step into adoption, and don't paint a dishonest picture.

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  29. You are all too kind. Thank you for the emails and comments and support today.

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  30. Thank you SO MUCH for posting this. We have been through a very similar thing in our daughter's Congolese adoption. Such corruption, so many red flags we ignored and such deep guilt and sadness we felt when we discovered the truth. I have a very strong desire to help change this but I have no idea where to begin but I am so happy there are others out there with the same desire and the bravery to be open and honest about it. May the Lord bless you!

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    1. I'm so sorry to hear this piece of your story. We also ignored red flags and it makes me so sad. I do think there can be change and redemption. The more families speak out and/or support those who speak out the more we'll see change happen.

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  31. Thanks so much for this honest post. I would love to know where you are adopting from in Haiti as we just brought our daughter home from there 6 weeks ago and I work in the states in orphan care and have learned SO much through this process and I feel like I am right there with you!

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  32. There are horrifying things being uncovered every day in adoptions from African countries. We were terrified to investigate our own and equal parts relieved and deeply sad to find that there was simply nothing to find in our adoption. It didn't calm my fear that somewhere there is a mother on the floor sobbing for her son that is now my son too.

    I am proud that people are speaking out and sad that our African children will have this history of coming to our families through false pretense when so many children languish who are legitimately orphaned. It's a fine line - we love our kids, wouldn't trade them for anything in the world, but wish that this didn't happen to them which is effectively wishing them away isn't it? It's so hard to explain to ourselves and other adoptive parents, how on earth are we going to explain it to these little humans that hold our whole hearts?

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  33. Thank you for being honest. And for waking up.

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  34. Not alone friend. Neither is your daughter. Wrestling. Walking. Not keeping quiet either just not sure what that looks like. LOVE YOU.

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  35. I hope you'll remove the "Anonymous" comment which was so negative (posted this evening). She or he did not follow your request to put one's name on any comment that's negative. Perhaps the comment reflects a lack of understanding of the full story... I don't know but she or he needs to respect your guidelines.
    I haven't read your entire story, but I see you did something I've done (stop blogging at a certain point) and then something I haven't yet had the courage to do (start again with new knowledge and all the pain and hardship). I commend you and wish you continued courage and strength.

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  36. Even as you tell this story, you continue to advocate for your children, their birth families, and others in their situation. You love, you write, you protect, you comfort, you advocate, you shield, you nurture, you enforce boundaries, you educate. Thank you for this.

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  37. I'm so lucky to be a friend to such a wonderful family. My love, courage and strength are yours too.

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  38. Lots and lots and lots of love to you and J and A & A. You are doing the right thing here. xxx.

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  39. I've also struggled to reconcile my feelings about adoption. I won't go into details here, but I will just say that ethical gray (and not so gray) areas, from which adoptive parents seem to be sheltered, are not limited to international adoption.

    Thank you for your courage and honesty, and for sharing such a wrenching and personal story. I wish you continued strength and wisdom. Know that you have a supportive community.

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  40. I gave up a daughter for adoption decades before I adopted from Ethiopia. Because of my experience, I vowed that if we learned that the children we adopted had a family that was giving them up due to lack of resources, rather than death or abandonment, that we would try to see if we could financially support the family rather than adopt these children. (I was so terribly naive then, it pains me to even write this.)

    It turned out that this was not an issue for us -- we have definitive proof that their mother is dead and that their father is in jail, but I wonder almost every day how I would handle it if I were faced with this situation the way so many of our fellow adopters were.

    I commend you for your bravery in facing this issue head-on. I can only say to remember that you can define family any way you want, and that there are often solutions where you don't think you'll find them.

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    1. Yes. Solutions where you don't think you'll find them. Absolutely. Thank you for your comment. With care, A.

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  41. I admire your courage and generosity in sharing these stories. Thank you.

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  42. I have children adopted from Ethiopia as well as other countries. I saw video of the uncle of one of our children and birth mother of another of our children in which they gave up their children. it was obvious in the video that they realized what they were doing. Sad, yes. Necessary, yes. There are no safety nets in Ethiopia. These family members want their children to live and they are sending them away in a life raft to safety. It is a very courageous act, but necessary. My child said she was given away because the adoption agency needed more children, but that is not what we saw in the video when the uncle willingly brought her to be adopted. Birthparents were dead. Uncle had 11 children already to care for in a drought area. I think our child would rather believe she was taken than given away. It is a tough situation, but she was crippled from carrying heavy sticks and working in the fields. She had no education. Filled with parasites. They have a better life now. We will all be together in eternity, pray for that. This life is short.

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  43. How can you feel as you do about your first adoption and do it again to another???

    (I admit I did not read your entire post. It was too paimnful.)

    How do women feel entitled to exploit other women?

    How do we wrap adoption in ribbons of altrusim, when adopters get what they want and families are left in devsation? When the tens of thousands paid to obgtain the ONE sought after child leave behind families in pain and in the same povery and crisis they were before???

    "Rescuring" children should be about "saving" FAMILIES!!! Altruism is using the price you'd pay to adopt one child to have a well dug, build a school or buy books, buy medical supplies and help an antire village not snatch one child and leave behind his mother, siblings and entire village and culture.

    How can you do it yet again and expect to be seen as a deeply caring, compassionate person??? I don't get it.

    Am I missing something?

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    1. I sense that there is no answer I could provide that would be satisfying. I'm sorry that you found the post too painful to read. It was also hard to write.

      This blog is my way of doing the following, now, hopefully better late than never:

      "The first step is to penetrate the clouds of deceit and distortion and learn the truth about the world, then to organize and act to change it.
      That's never been impossible and never been easy."

      Noam Chomsky

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  44. I have read and re-read this post. I had my husband read it, and now we're having difficult conversations about how to be accountable with the knowledge we have. We are adoptive parents from Ethiopia as well, and have hoped to continue building our family through adoption. How do we reckon the knowledge of kids who are longing to be loved and belong (we are especially inclined towards older child adoption) with the knowledge that this is the story behind some of the kids in the orphanage? We can't sit back and do nothing about God's call on our heart to adopt because of the potential for corruption, but we also can't step blithely into the process again-seeking justice is the heart of God and that includes all parties involved, especially birth mothers! I am thankful for your honesty and I hope you can hear my heart as you read this, I am processing this out loud and asking out of sincere concern for our future choices. I would really love to ask you more questions. I know you are likely bombarded with emails, but if you have opportunity I would love to hear from you. My email is davecarriel@hotmail.com

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    1. I don't have any easy answers. I am trying to process my own thoughts on all of this through this series of blog posts (which are being written as I go, not pre prepared.) I so wish I could respond with something solid for you. I only have my stories to share. More will come soon.

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  45. Thank you for so eloquently saying this. I would love to link an excerpt to my blog- with full credit and link back. Please let me know if that isn't okay.

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  46. "The first step is to penetrate the clouds of deceit and distortion and learn the truth about the world, then to organize and act to change it.
    That's never been impossible and never been easy."

    Noam Chomsky

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  47. I know a few people that have adopted children internationally and later find out that adoption was not the intention of the birth parent. So with that being said, this is the first I ask this question: When you find this out, how come you dont return the child to the birth parent?

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    1. I addressed this to some extent in he comments above. I wouldn't presume to speak for other families. But for ours I will say that there is more to this story than what is shared here.

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  48. And that is not as easy as it sounds, nor is it as good for the child as it sounds. The child can perceive this as being abandoned twice, attaching to the new family and then being ripped away from it, given away again after learning the new language, being a citizen of the new country, and forgetting their native language. No, this isn't easy nor best for the child. The child is left belonging to no country, caught in the middle and fitting in no where. I've thought about this in depth as to what would be best for my 7 adopted children, 3 from foster care (and with ongoing relationships with their birth families) and 4 from Haiti, where I've met the birth parents numerous times for all but one of my children. The last child came after the earthquake there and had been in the orphanage for all but a year of her life. I have no information on her family or their whereabouts. Now that my sons are 12 and 14 I hope to bring them back to Haiti to see their birth families and do community service there. But they would have to learn Kreyol again, since despite my best efforts, they have lost their first language. I have supported one of their birth mothers, so she can finish school. I keep in mind what would be the best for each child and sending them back to Haiti is not always the best choice.

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  49. Amanda, thank you so much to share a side of a story that is almost never told. I am praying right now for your family. I pray that God will grant you your desire to have AJ home with you soon.

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  50. We've got 4 Internationally adopted kids, from 4 countries. Our views have changed as well. We know how it can tear you up thinking about the circumstances that led to how our families came to be. At the same time, I'm a human. I dont know everything. Despite the hard truths we've learned, I still firmly trust in the Lord and his plan. we did our best to listen in our adoption journey's. Sounds like you did as well. All things happen for a reason, and most often, we will never know them. Thanks for sharing.

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Some of my very dearest friendships have been made through writing this blog and reading blogs written by other adoptive families. Comments help to facilitate and grow relationships and I welcome any written with positive intentions.

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