We may or may not be moving there - half a world away. Quite literally the farthest corner of the ocean you could imagine or locate on your map. Just picture beaches, palm trees, coconut milk.... ah.
Then picture complete career fulfillment in this location. Combined with financial security. And a 37.5 hour workweek with 6-8 weeks annual vacation.
Sounds like a dream right? But it's not. It is just there, at our fingertips.
This other world just lingers as an option around our house these days. Last month it was a beloved and anticipated houseguest. Lately it has worn out its welcome, causing us to feel unsatisfied and angry at our current life situation but unsatisfied and angry at the dream.
During daylight I feel energized, excited, optimistic. As the sun starts to set I feel fearful, strange, plagued by doubt. Overly in love with my basement rennovation and the desire to use our new family room. (I actually cried at the thought of never using my beautiful new basement bathroom the other night.) But equally fearful of winter and regret and snow and feeling trapped.
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| Actual photo from the actual place. Yeah, no kidding. |
I pray, I seek signs, I twist and turn options in my mind. I poke and prod J into conversations that never come to any conclusion. The problem is that prayer got me here. Yes, right here. With an amazing job offer in the ideal location with my dream organization. With J fully on board. I fully believe that prayer got me here because this job fell out of the sky, I sailed through two grueling interviews without falling on my face, and the offer is good and generous. Amazing actually. Thank you God for answered prayers. But darn it God, I prayed myself into this corner!
So with prayer answered, shouldn't the next step be obvious?
Except. EXCEPT.
Except that the insurance is biased against Ariam. Will not cover her. Except that I have learned things in researching expat insurance plans that have turned my world upside down. Except that without access to expat insurance for Ariam we will never live overseas. Ever. And my development career will be....over?
There is such irony here. I am obsessed with the irony. I work in child protection. But to protect my own child I may never again work in development/child protection. Oh the irony. It's the kind of funny that makes you snort with shock and irony, and then that snort turns into a horrified giggle as you explain it to someone, and then at night that giggle turns into tears of horror as you realize the implications for everything you ever thought you were and the gifts you were given and the path you thought you'd been on since before you could remember ever wanting anything else.
I don't know what to do. We're stuck in circles of conversation. And I look and look for the purpose and meaning behind this.
Of course I'd give up everything for Ariam. Of course I would and I'd do it again and again.
But until 3 weeks ago I had never considered that I'd have to.
~A
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ReplyDeleteHave you talked to people at the children's hospitals/ type people? I'm sure you have... I'm grasping at straws... cause ya... it sucks.
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ReplyDeleteI'm just speechless.
ReplyDeleteOh, wow. I'm so, so sorry. I can't believe this is the case--that is awful, just awful.
ReplyDeleteHow ridiculous. What a messed up world.
ReplyDeleteMy heart just hurts with you as I read this. Praying that some.how. this will be made right.
ReplyDeleteWow - this is awful, I am so sorry. Really unbelievable.
ReplyDeletePraying that our mountain-moving God would come to your rescue in this. Would you be willing to share your research? We (will be) in a very similar situation. And I never even considered this possibility. Still praying. But would love to hear from you.
ReplyDeleteWhat a hard situation and decision. Praying for a surprise resolution.
ReplyDeleteAny chance the insurance would cover you all once you're back in the States? Then you could swing drugs and doctors overseas and if the s#$t hit the fan you could come home for serious treatment..
ReplyDeleteI doubt that is an option.
What a hard decision!
When I feel like I'm going in circles I try very, very hard to stop thinking and talking about it for a week. I try to shove it into the back of my brain and by the time it returns to the front I have more clarity..
Good luck.
Harvard: Yes. Actually, that is the ONLY option. Out of pocket overseas for anything related to pre-existing conditions but still good care in the U.S. if we need to return. I agree about taking a week off. I sort of did that last week. Unfortunately I have returned to it, not with more clarity, but with more ambivalence....
ReplyDeleteOh, A....
ReplyDeleteThis? Is FREAKING RIDICULOUS.
ReplyDelete(oh - and congratulations on the job offer).
ReplyDeleteholy cow. this is ridiculous. so, so sorry.
ReplyDeletegood grief....it really urks me to hear she won't be covered. How the heck can they get away with that? Could a lawyer help?.....maybe grasping at straws here but thought I would ask.
ReplyDeleteWhat a wonderfully horrible position to be in! Hopefully you gin some clarity soon and make a decision that you're at peace with.
ReplyDeleteWe're thinking pretty seriously about going overseas for a year or so, and as much as I'm drawn to it, there's a lot I'd miss about our current life/lifestyle. I'll be very interested to see what you decide!
wow. just wow.
ReplyDeleteI did the post you asked me to.
ReplyDeleteI am outraged that they are refusing to cover your child. What excuse could they possibly have? Outrageous.
That is unthinkable. Insurance companies are run by evil people. This makes me so angry.
ReplyDeleteThat's a very hard and sad situation! Im sorry and hope things can get solved someway (no clue how). But also wonderful that your most important dream came true: you are a mom and are willing to sacrifice everything for her. That's the most important thing God gave you. Muchos Abrazos y Te extrahnamos.
ReplyDeleteHi A! I always check in on you through your blog - and what a predicament you are in now - oy! I don't have even a pinch of guidance or advice, but I'm waiting to hear how this works out. Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you, Ariam and J and following along here. Sending love and luck, and a big hug of congratulations on a job offer - wow! I'm remembering back to our careers, what seems like a lifetime ago, when we would have loved such an opportunity and it felt so far away and just out of reach.
ReplyDeleteKarina
You don't know me, but I have just put this up on my FB page. I gave up a budding development career (before the crucial field work component) when my daughter came along, so I can *maybe* imagine what it must feel like to have that picture in your head and your child in your heart and not feel able to reconcile them.
ReplyDeleteHas the organisation offered any assistance? As a CP org, they should have an ethical - if not legal - obligation to walk the talk here.
If any one out here can help, post, and I'm sure I'm not the only one who would try mightily to ensure you receive. These two loves are contiguous; there is no reason they should be at odds.
I don't know the specifics, but is it the specific company that they use for insurance? Can you get your own policy under another company and get them to give you an allowance for it or reimburse you for it? I don't know which covers or don't cover specific pre-existing conditions (though the caveat is that if it's a personal policy they (1)may chose not to offer it to you and (2)may have a year of not paying for pre-existing), but my current insurance is just from a US insurance company - and I chose a policy that had the best "out of network" coverage and deductibles. Any "expat" insurance I've had (other than the emergency evacuation insurance) has been from companies that offer policies in the US as well but which have "reasonable" out of pocket, out of network and yearly maximums and might not pay directly for overseas hospitalization, but will reimburse you when you submit your claim so I stock up on meds when I'm in the US, save all major appointments for home leave and file claims for any other expenses.
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